I cannot find my penis.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
