remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
