My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
