I can text with my tongue
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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