I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
