Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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