He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
