i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
