shes about as inviting as chlamydia
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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