does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
