Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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