I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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