I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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