Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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