I am puke
My pussy is not your playground.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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