nut hugger
everyone is single if you try hard enough
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
