the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
