i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
