pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
