no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
