we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
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It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
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I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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