Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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