he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
