Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
