i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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