Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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