Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
