they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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