4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
