Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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