I could make wine with my vomit
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
