I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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