i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
