I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
