my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
