I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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