Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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