Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
