I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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