I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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