god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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