I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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