Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
