remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
