I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My breasts were aching with rage.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
