And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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