if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
