There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
