3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
