His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
