Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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