I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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