but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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