So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
