I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
