Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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