I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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